Low Self-Esteem Continued

The rebel – others see you as dominant, prickly and aggressive whereas you feel panicky, lonely and angry at other people but mainly at yourself for not being good enough. Friends and colleagues cross you at their peril because for you attack is definitely the best form of defence. Constructive criticism doesn’t work at all for you because however justified or well intentioned it may be to you it feels like a personal attack and cuts you to the quick. Not that anyone would ever know how hurt you feel because you behave as though other people’s opinions and concerns just don’t matter. You’re always the first to pre-empt discussion, pick holes in the arguments of others, and are quick to point the finger when problems occur.

The victim – other’s see you as shy, timid and apologetic whereas inside you feel uncertain and sorry for yourself. Helpless is your middle name and sorry is your favorite word. You’re always on the fringes of the group, unsure whether you should be there. You don’t speak in meetings and keep your head down when tasks are being handed out. You have such a low opinion of yourself that you feel sure you’re not wanted, can’t contribute anything helpful and won’t be able to manage anything but the simplest task. As a result, you always get landed with things no one else wants to do. Even when you do something, and do it well, you can’t help apologising.

Break Out Of The Low Self-Esteem Trap

Building small changes into your life will make a big difference. It won’t happen immediately but in time you can gradually build your confidence and learn to like yourself.

Fake it – pick a task or a situation and pretend just for the duration of it that you are a confident, assertive person. Alternatively, model your behaviour on someone you admire who always seems to cope. Notice how different you feel and how other people react to you when you do so. Keep trying this in different situations and in a short time you won’t be pretending anymore. Your confidence will start to become real.

Go easy on yourself – perfectionism is one of the worst traps that people with low self-esteem set for themselves. It’s a no-win situation if you’re an imposter type, you’ll try a new task and count yourself a failure if you don’t achieve perfection. If you’re a rebel, you’ll blame your failure on other people, the organisation and the weather while victims probably won’t even dare have a go in the first pace. Give yourself permission to make mistakes. If you don’t succeed at something, give yourself credit for trying and for your perseverance, and don’t let failure discourage you.

Mark your successes – if your confidence is low, every minor setback becomes ingrained in your psyche and the good stuff just passes you by. Don’t let it. After every important meeting or event, jot down what you did well and feel pleased with yourself about, then re-read it at the end of the day.

Learn to give and receive compliments – it’s human nature to accept criticisms more readily than compliments. In fact we need 10 compliments to counteract the effect of just 1 criticism. Don’t dismiss the compliments people give you. Accept them with thanks and a smile and give yourself compliments too. Praise yourself for small as well as big things. Remember to compliment other people too, it makes both of you feel good.

Let go and move on – avoid replays of negative experiences, whether it’s a meeting in which you performed badly or a row with your friend. Acknowledge what happened, work out the lessons you can learn from it, make amends if you need to then leave it behind. Replaying it in your mind consumes valuable energy and reinforces negative beliefs.

Back to the top