If the words 'Yes, of course' slip too readily from your lips, and you sometimes feel you have 'Welcome' stamped across you forehead, you need to learn to say 'No'! For many of us , childhood instructions (like asking nicely, playing nicely, sharing nicely) echo down the decades until, as adults, we find ourselves covering for lazy colleagues, giving in to partners to keep the peace, or being taken hostage in our own kitchens by tea swilling neighbors. Being too darn nice is exhausting - and what's more, it keeps your poor! Research has found that being too conscientious has a negative impact on women's salaries. It has to do with the type of work women undertake. In female-dominated administrative, being conscientious at work is obviously vital, but do reach the glass ceiling very early on. So, excessive niceness can be a hindrance.

Here's how to say 'no' nicely:

1. Drawing the line with friends - You've finally quit the day job and set up as a freelance accountant. Its early days and the business is on a shoestring. A friend suggests you could do the tax for her small company - on a much reduced rate - in order to 'help you' get your business off the ground.

What the experts say - It's best to be honest. Don't be afraid to say 'no'. It’s huge favor that your friend is asking. But don't give her a flat 'no', as this suggests you are being unfriendly. Explain that even though you are just getting started you really can't afford to take on such a lot of work at an uncompetitive rate. Give her the name of another freelance accountant, so she'll realize how unreasonable her offer is. Then be prepared with a gracious compromise proposal when she comes running back to you!

Say 'no' now - saying 'no' to friends is always tough, but some women van be ruthless about using that position for their own gain. Many women undersell ourselves because we're too anxious to please. There are some of us who are so 'nice' that we'd almost rather be liked than have a profitable business. For emotionally charged requests, involving money, massage the person's feelings before saying 'no'. Let them know you're rejecting the proposal, and not the person.

2. Put yourself first - It's Saturday afternoon and you've kindly agreed to baby-sit your two nephews for your divorce brother. Then he phones to say his Christmas shopping trip is taking longer than expected, which leaves you with the responsibility for looking after both your children and his, while trying to prepare for your parent's imminent Christmas visit. You want to scream. But, in a bid to keep the peace, you bite your tongue and say "fine".

What the experts say - Situation like this occur because, biologically, women are hard wired to be nice. Our 'cavewoman brain' makes us sensitive to the emotions of others. And because the part of the brain that creates anxiety, the anterior cingulate cortex, is larger in women than in men, we are fearful of the consequences of anger and quick to think of ways to avoid it. Conversely, communicating intimately provides a rush of the feel-good chemical dopamine, so we invest heavily in emotional connections. Once you understand these Stone Age instincts, you can start to override them and prioritize your needs.

Say 'no' now - Women are hopeless at saying they need help. They take on everyone else's jobs, without a word - but resentment builds. In this situation, ask him to please come home, that you've run out of time. Try suggesting that he postpone his shopping trip and instead takes his father along with him when he arrives! The most important thing is that you keep your voice light and even, and be pleasant. Men respond to orders and direction and, chances are, if you ask for his help in a non-confrontational way, he will oblige.
To avoid scenarios like this in the future, decide exactly how long you are prepared to have his children for - and explain that you are delighted to help but have other commitments, and that his return is a firm deadline.

3. Getting the balance right at work - It's 6.30pm. Most of the day has been spent completing spreadsheets for a technophobe workmate and answering your boss's call. The boss's chaotic childcare means she's more out of the office than in, so your own work gets pushed to the bottom of the pile. Tomorrow's presentation isn't finished, but a colleague is having a leaving do. Stressed out, you leave your work and head for the bar so you don't look standoffish.

What the experts say - being a people pleaser at work is not the way to succeed. According to the Tilburg university research, men r=are rewarded for being outgoing, but workplace socializing has no impact on female careers. If trying to keep everyone in the office happy is interfering with your own work you should be firm, without being aggressive. Put a stop to the expectation of being 'good old Jane' by telling yourself, "I've got myself into this situation, and now I want it to stop". It is easier than you think. Not saying 'yes' is simply the fastest way to learn to say 'no'. Once you've bitten your lip and done it a couple of times, you'll have broken the habit.

Say 'no' now - If a colleague repeatedly asks you for help and you end up doing their work for them, then next time insist they watch while you show them how. If they've asked for your help out of sheer laziness, they'll soon get bored - and start doing it themselves.

4. Happy families need boundaries - Your six-year-old daughter claims she's a social outcast because she hasn't been taken to Disneyland, and her campaign of relentless whining is driving you to distraction.

What the experts say - The pressure to say 'yes' for the sake of an easy life is enormous. Working couples have little disposable time, and often assuage their guilt by buying gifts. Giving in creates problems for the future - set the precedent of acquiescence, and your children will learn that your resolve can easily be challenged. You need to teach your children to prioritize their desires. Put the argument in practical terms that your child can understand. Suggest that she considers what she's prepared to give up in order to go to Disneyland. Pocket money? Clothes?

Say 'no' now - Children of all ages need boundaries, so make the rules clear from the outset and there will be no confusion regarding their expectations. Don't worry about them looking miserable in front of their friends. Just let them say, "My mother says I can't".

5. Saying 'No' to the one you love
Your partner wants your holiday to be a camping trek, complete with standpipes, files and backache from sleeping on the ground. That would be no break for you - just the usual family chores in more primitive conditions!
What the experts say - You need to learn to say 'no' in a way that strenghtens love, rather than destroys it. Or you will simply get steamrollered along, which soon creates an inability to communicate with one another.
Rather than lashing out at your partner for such a selfish suggestion, explain briefly and calmly why his proposal is unsuitable for you and suggest an alternative you'll both enjoy. The best way of getting your needs met in relationship is to lavish on your partner when he does get it right. You can't understimate how much a man loves having his ego boosted.
Say 'no' now - Starting a request with "Coul you" offers a man the chance to say "no", which is useless if you are trying to get him to do something that he woud rather not. Instead, say "Would you", or confidently- albeit with kindness- assert, "I need you to...collect the kids/have the car serviced/come home early."
Bear in mind that your request may need to be made more than once - although the good news is, research shows that the male subconscious does pick up on repetition- like a child!

And the last word...
If you find turning down request distressing, it could be you were taught as a child to put others needs first, and now get a rush of the stress hormone cortisol at the thought of not pleasing someone. remind yourself that you are an adult and free to make your own choices, and those around you are perfectly capable of looking after themselves.
Get into the habit of pausing before responding to request. Take a deep breath, then say 'no', or "I'll have to get back to you".It'll get easier each time you do it!

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